Thorin's Heart ~ Chapter 4

Chapter 4 ~ Bound

Thorin did not sleep that night with thoughts of Kale haunting him.  He was worried that she was hurt and that he was to blame.  He thought of Fili and Kili’s teasing, and how she could have anyone that she desired.  Why him? Gray had already began to streak his hair and beard. He wished he was younger and could give her Erebor.  She was young, gorgeous, and absolutely perfect. As much as he wanted her, he was hurting her by staying.  He then decided they would hunt in the morning and get food for their journey.  They had already stayed too long and leaving this place could not come any sooner. If able, he would have left that night.  He would have left her people in peace and left her. Left her? The very words made him sick as he sank to his knees. Just the thought of her in someone else’s arms made him want to die.  How could he live knowing she had moved on? Why would he want to?

Kale lay bruised and hurt on her bed that same night.  The moon spilled into her room and a soft breeze made the tears on her face cool.  It soothed her to some extent, but not as much as if she were in his arms having him hold her, drying her tears with his soft, passionate kisses.  She touched her lips as she remembered his taste, his scent, his touch.  It made her smile and her heart race.  She imagined him standing on the balcony. She could picture his hand outstretched and reaching for her, smiling that soft shy smile that made her weak, while his eyes penetrated into her making her feel as if he could see into her very soul.
 
Thorin was not there when they carried Kale from the cave.  She helplessly searched for him on the journey home, but he was nowhere to be found.  She rode in the arms of her father, abandoning the arms of the one that she would always run to.  Rafe felt the emptiness that Thorin had made between them, and he vowed he would make the dwarf pay for the pain he had brought upon his family.
 
The morning came early with a lifeless, slow knock on his door.  It was Brakin.  Thorin would have rather felt the lash of a dagger from Rafe than the sad eyes of a helpless father, begging for the release of his daughter.   Thorin moved aside to allow him to enter. The proud elf stood by the side table, admiring Orcrist.

“You know, in another life I would have been proud of such an arrangement.”  He whispered.  “The Durins are as old as time and I have come to know the many majestic dwarves that inhabited Erebor. I have respected them all.  My own wife was a wood elf not far from those borders.” He put the sword down and picked up a flower that he knew Kale had given him.  “Kale reminds me so much of my wife, and I guess I have clung to that.  Perhaps an angel she sent to me for solace.  I have seen many a battle Thorin.  Time and fate have been good to me, but I feel the age of The Lonely Mountain itself. I have never been as helpless as I am now.” He looked up at Thorin gravely and walked to the window.  The morning sun was rising and the cool spring air made him take in another long, deep breath.  

Thorin walked to his side, “What am I to do? I cannot hurt her.” The words seemed too weak to hear.

“I know the pain that this has made, but your path does not lead where she can follow. I found her alone in the woods nearly 70 years ago, and vowed that day I would protect her.  I do not want her to hurt any more than you do, but what kind of life could you possibly offer her?” He turned to him then and continued. “ Let’s say you reclaim Erebor, and believe me Thorin that is our hope for you all, what then? Take her from her home?  Do you think the free spirited, animal loving Kale of Rivendell would be happy in the dark cold mines of the Lonely Mountain?  It will stink of dragon forever and she will be a caged bird that’s lost her song.”  

Thorin’s heart sank.  It was a powerful blow and it cut deep, slicing his hope into his greatest fear!  There would be no support from the person that he needed the approval from the most.  He simply wasn’t good enough or stable enough.  Realization was hitting home and he felt as if he would suffocate.

Tears came to Brakin’s eyes as he continued, and then his voice softened.  “But then I have never seen this from Kale.  She has always been a free spirit blowing with the wind, loving and cherishing everything in sight.” He laughed. “From the tiniest mouse to the ugliest wolf.  And yet, I have never seen her love anyone more.”

Thorin’s eyes widened and heart stopped as he desperately waited for more, clinging to a moment of hope that lingered in the air around them.

Brakin could not believe he was letting Thorin know this.  “You see I cannot live with her looking at me with her sad eyes. As long as she lives, I will know I was the cause of her brokenness.  She is not immortal Thorin.  She probably won’t even live as long as you and that is my impasse, to let her choose what she wants out of life.”

Brakin took in a long ragged breath and sighed.  “Elrond told me that a sprite or whatever he thinks her people are would permanently bond to that person.  Their lives intertwine and they fuse as one.  Most of the time, when one passes the other will too.” He looked at Thorin in anger.  “How can I give you my daughter when such a reckless fate is in your path?  You will not be the destruction of my daughter,” he said gravely, “ but nor will I.”  

Thorin could not speak.  There were no words.

“Am I supposed to give you my blessing?  What am I suppose to do Thorin Oakenshield? He stared into Thorin’s eyes helplessly, maybe trying to search his soul, or pull the answers from his mind. The silence overtook them and he buckled.

Thorin was growing weary and laid his hand on his shoulder.“I have never felt the love that she has laid on my heart. I have never known what it was like to stir and embrace me completely.”

“Then you have just seen a glimpse of my life, Thorin.”  Brakin whispered and with that turned for the door and then stopped without turning.  “By the way, thank you for saving my daughter today. A large hunting party tracked Madcoil into a cave where they found him dead from the wounds you inflicted.”  He then shut the door softly making the silence of the room magnify.

Brakin had never felt so defeated and unsure of the future but all he could do was pray that the dwarf he left in the room would not let him down.
 
The day was no kinder than the night as it gave no comfort to Thorin’s thoughts of Kale.  The dwarves were prepared to leave on command knowing the heavy heart of their king.  They wanted to savor these last few moments enjoying the luxury of life before heading back on a journey where no one was quite sure of what lie before them.
 
The older dwarves were teaching some unique forging skills to some of the younger elves. Some had already found their way into the wine cellars, while Bomber was in the food. Balin was on a balcony reading another book, and Kili and Fili were sharpening their swords.  He sat on a bench beside a quiet stream away from the eyes of most.  Statues and rose bushes intertwined before him and she soon was at his side.  He did not look at her as she took his hand.
 
“I know my father came and saw you,” she whispered.  “Please do not listen to his ramblings,” she begged and held his hand to her face.
 
“He loves you and knows what’s best,” Thorin whispered. He stood and released her hand.

That hurt her more than the mightiest of blows from Madcoil.Tears pooled in her eyes and she refused to let it end like this.  She stood and walked behind him, wrapping her arms tightly around his torso. Resting her cheek on his back, she placed her hands firmly on his chest.  He wanted to die in that moment. He wanted to let her be the death of him, to free himself from the grief and heartache.
 
“You see,” she whispered, “I am bound to you, and you to me.  We cannot be parted, whether you want it or not.”
 
He freed himself from her grasp and turned to her suddenly. “Do you think I want to be free from you?  That would kill me Kale.  But you deserve far better than any gold loving dwarf without a home, without a throne, and I will gladly suffer if that’s what’s best for you!”

“Is that what he told you?” She demanded.
 
“No,” he whispered defeated, “But that’s what I am.  You deserve so much more out of life than what I have to offer.”

She touched his face softly, searching his eyes. She then wrapped herself in his arms. He was so broken and all her power could not heal this.  It would take time and her constant love.
 
“I want to know every part of you inside and out.  I want to go to sleep each night in your arms and wake up each morning with you by my side.  I want to have babies with you and….” he stopped her.

“I cannot give you this.  The dwarf you want to love and the dwarf I am are two very different beings. I cannot give you the life that you think you want.”

“I do not want to love you Thorin, I do, body and soul,” she pleaded.  “You have them both. I give them to you.”

“Please,” Thorin begged. He sadly hung his head, “There is someone far better for you than me.”

“Not in my eyes, my heart is set on you.  Give into me Thorin,” she pleaded.

“Kale,” he whispered and she stopped his words with her finger.

“Please,” she countered touching his face again brushing it softly with the back side of her hand. “I give myself to you completely; just take it. I’m yours.”

He held her in his arms and at her mercy, with a lump in his throat.

“I have to go.” She kissed him softly and he savored the taste not knowing when or if he would ever kiss her again.  “There will be a festival in honor of our beloved guests tonight.  I have helped arrange everything to make it special for you and then maybe we can sneak away,” she smiled but he did not speak.

She swallowed hard.  “I hope you like it,” she urged. “I will see you then? Ok?”

He did not answer but gave her a soft smile that did not touch his eyes. She looked into them, long and hard, searching for the one she fell so deeply in love with.  When he released her, it did not sit well.  Should she make him promise?  Why was she so unsure of what the night may bring? Why did she grow scared? She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly walked away, away from her love.
   
Later that evening, her hands shook as she slid on her gloves.  Arwen slid on her wings to adorn her dress.  She wrapped the belt around and fastened the buckle to secure them in the front around her waist.

“Why so nervous?”  She knew the answer before she replied.  She turned Kale to the long mirror that hung on the wall.  It was thousands of years old and framed in the most elderly of white oaks.   It was brought over from the ancient cities past the seas of the undying lands, and it would reflect the purity of the elves.
 
“Beautiful” Arwen whispered. “I know he will think so too,” she said kissing her cheek and smiling at her from the reflection of the mirror.

“I could only hope,” she smiled sadly.

“Kale, you don’t realize how precious and beautiful you are. You never have.  Thorin Oakenshield is beside himself that you would even glance his way.  He is completely taken by you, everyone can see that. Just look at you!”

She shyly looked into the mirror at the wide eyed, small beauty that had finally found her true home, in him.  Her wings were large and adored in browns, grays, and blues that matched her eyes and hair color.  The dress hung softly off her shoulders, enhancing everything Thorin would like and she smiled biting her lip. The brown gloves came up to her elbows and Arwen helped put on her boots that laced all the way up to her knees.  She imagined him taking them off of her and blushed.

“What?” Arwen said eyeing her curiously.

“Nothing,” she said giggling.

“I must not want to know,” she laughed taking her in her arms. She then pulled Kale through the door and down to the celebration.

Thorin met Kili and Fili in their room.  “Pack up, we’re leaving tonight,” he said, and then stormed away.  They looked at each other in shock.  They were looking forward to the food and excitement the celebration promised, but they would not dare go against Thorin’s word and stay.
 
He made it to the others’ rooms and gave them the same orders, leaving them with no explanation.  They knew it couldn’t be good because everyone had begun to see and hear of the connection he had made with Kale.  Their excitement of the party had been extinguished, but no one would dare question Thorin as to why. Everyone quickly packed, having their things ready to depart, as ordered.

Bilbo was already dressed and excited for the night until Thorin stormed by with the announcement.  Bilbo held his finger in the air for him to wait a moment but then could not find the words to challenge Thorin’s anger. He then sulked back into his room, defeated without a single word being spoken.

Thorin threw his satchel on the bed and began throwing things into it.  He was no good for her. She could do so much better.  She would move on, wouldn’t she? Could she?  His pride made her belong to him and he could not fathom the thought of her in the arms of someone else. Even that single thought had him doubled over in pain and he thought he would die from it.  Could he bear another loss?  Could he bear everything ripped from him, again?  She was young, very young, the age of his reckless nephew Kili.  Why him?  She could have anyone she wanted.  Why did her love embrace him so?  He felt old, stretched thin, inadequate, and not enough.  The only thing he asked out of life was for his kingdom back, until he met her.  Could he ask for more? Did he deserve love? He was in agony.

“Yes, you deserve her.”  A quiet voice came from the shadow of the door. It was Balin, and he knew the thoughts of his King all too well.  He joined Thorin and sat beside him on the bed and continued.

“You know I have never asked for much out of life.  Never needed it!  But, I was also never given it.  I was happy to share my life with you and your nephews. That my friend, made me happy, I didn’t need more.  But if it ever found me, I promise you this, I would never let it go!”

Thorin looked at him with pleading eyes.  It hurt Balin to his core to see his King crumbling in such a manner. “My King, I swore that day in Moria that I would follow you until our death, and protect you as much as I could, even if it was from yourself.”  He patted Thorin on the back and then gave him a fierce embrace.
   
“A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?” Thorin asked hopelessly.

“Then we shall give you wings.” Balin said smiling.  “Your life is now intertwined; you cannot part yourself from what God has offered you.”

“God?”  Thorin whispered, defeated. “Can I not escape him?”

“No,” he smiled.  “He is everywhere and is in everything. Now go laddie, do not deny yourself the sweetness of life he has given you,” Balin urged.  “I’m sure she has already heard the news of our leaving.”
 
With that, Thorin stood feeling weak and hopeless.  He walked to the balcony and peered down at the glowing lights coming from the party and sighed.  What was he doing?

The night was filled with enchanted music and laughter.  It was a celebration of the spring’s crescent moon and the blessing of the safe departure of new friends.  The females were dressed in extravagant butterfly wings of all sizes and colors. While some were thankful it was yet again time for another celebration, others felt relieved of the news of the dwarves quick departure.
 
Kale had found her father quickly, and had her tear ridden face hidden in his chest.  His heart was heavy because hers was broken. A sigh of thankfulness blew over Rafe and himself knowing that this would soon be over, until he saw him.  He felt Rafe stiffen at his side and he grabbed his arm.
 
“Not tonight!” He demanded.
 
Kale felt the tension and looked up at her father. He smiled down tenderly at his beautiful daughter.
 
“I think you have a visitor,” he whispered brushing her cheek with the backside of his hand.
 
She felt her heart stop as she quickly turned and saw him standing across the dance floor. The look in his eyes was of sorrow, love, and defeat.  His party was behind him. They slowly left his side, making their way around the crowd to find some wine and food as he walked across to her.  She could not take her eyes off of him, and him to her, as she pulled away from her father to join him in the center.  Brakin felt his heart break as her hand slowly withdrew from his. He found it hard to breathe as she made her way from him and toward Thorin.  She was choosing and leaving them behind.

Everyone parted away and flowed around them as they stood and faced each other. The wind softly blew her hair as he saw the sadness and hurt in her eyes.  His heart raced wildly until she closed her eyes, hanging her head sadly. The tears poured causing his heart to break. He held her face softly in his hands and brushed the tears away with his thumbs. He whispered to her, “I’m so sorry.”

She held his hands there and then touched his face in return. She smiled, so thankful that he was still here with her and they were given another moment. He placed his hand gently on the small of her back and took her other in his. He danced her around as a hushed audience watched them.  He felt the warmth from her body radiating through him, already healing his pain.  The feel of her skin through her thin dress gave him chills as he looked deeply in her eyes.  Kili and Fili looked at each other and smiled proudly at their deserving uncle for not leaving.  Everyone seemed to sigh as they floated around and around through wings.
 
Brakin was soon alone as Rafe stormed away to find solace somewhere else.  He could not watch anymore.  Balin found his way to the party shortly after and was touched as he saw the center of everyone’s attention.  His King had done it. It was yet another accomplishment to make him proud. He looked up toward the heavens silently thanking God for such a night.

They held each other close and eventually disappeared into the night. They walked hand in hand savoring every moment until they had to part. The moon was bright above them. Thorin noticed that it was the same crescent moon she wore around her neck.
 
“Fate.” she said as he placed his hand there.

“My heart,” he whispered in return, pulling her by the hips to him as he leaned against a tree.  She had consumed him, and he was hers. He wanted to give her his body and soul in return.
 
“I have a surprise for you.” he whispered holding her chin up, while looking deep into her eyes.  She smiled and kissed him softly. He then slid down her body onto his knee taking her hands in his as tears filled her eyes.

“Kale, I love you. You deserve the best of life. If only I weren’t so selfish, I would let you go live it, but I can’t face mine without you. I do not want my kingdom without my queen.” He looked up with pleading, hopeful eyes.  “I have nothing to give you except my love and I promise you have all of it as you do all of me. I am yours forever, and I would give you the world if I wielded such power. I promise I will try.”
 
“All I need is you,” she interrupted. She fell to her knees while holding him.
 
“Will you be mine forever?” he choked. He held her face and looked deep into her eyes.
 
“I already am,” she smiled and then kissed him deeply over and over again.

They did not know how much time had passed. He helped her stand and then took her hand, walking deeply into the forest and toward their future.